Past clients likely value a check-in more than you'd guess, so send it without waiting for a reason
If you're hesitating over a check-in with a past client who's gone quiet, you're probably underrating how welcome it would be. A 2023 study in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology by Liu, Rim, Min and Min found that people consistently underestimate how much others appreciate being reached out to, and the gap was larger when the reach-out was more surprising for the recipient.
Key points
- Across a series of preregistered experiments, Liu and colleagues found that people underestimate how much others appreciate being reached out to with a brief check-in message or a small gift.
- The gap was larger when the reach-out was more surprising for the recipient and when the two people were more socially distant, and in Liv's reading a past client you haven't spoken to in a while fits both.
- Liv's reading for agents: send the short, no-ask check-in to a quiet past client without waiting for a market update or holiday to justify it.
People who reach out underestimate how much it's appreciated
Peggy Liu and her colleagues set out to test something most of us assume we already know: how much the people in our lives value hearing from us. They looked at the everyday ways people reach out to someone in their social circle, such as a brief message to check in on how they're doing or a small gift to show they're thinking of them.
In a study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, they ran a series of preregistered experiments and documented what they call a robust underestimation of how much other people appreciate being reached out to. The person sending the message expected it to land less well than it did for the person receiving it.
They also found two conditions where the gap grew. It was magnified when the reach-out happened in a context the recipient found more surprising, and when it happened between people who were more socially distant from each other.
The recipient's surprise is easy for the sender to overlook
The authors offer an explanation for the gap. They report evidence compatible with an account in which recipients are more focused than senders on their feelings of surprise at being reached out to, and that focus on surprise predicts greater appreciation.
That explanation describes the moment from both sides. When you write a check-in, you know it's coming, so there's no surprise in it for you, and my guess is that your attention goes to whether the message is relevant enough or whether it's been too long. The person opening it had no idea you were thinking about them, and on the authors' account, that surprise is part of what drives their appreciation.
The study has limits worth keeping in view. It's about people reaching out within their social circles, and its outcome is appreciation. It wasn't about real estate or about business relationships, so applying it to an agent and a past client is my own reading. A past client often sits somewhere between an acquaintance and a friend, which is close to the socially distant end the authors describe, and I think that makes the finding a reasonable guide here. Whether a surprised, appreciative past client goes on to call you for their next move or send you a referral is a separate question from the one the authors asked.
Send the check-in you've been talking yourself out of
Agents I've spoken to have said they often hold off on contacting a past client until they have a reason to, like a market update or a holiday. My view is that this study weakens the case for waiting. If the sender is the one who underrates the message, then the reason you're searching for is mostly there to reassure you, and the client would likely have welcomed the note without it.
Here's how I'd put that into practice this month.
Start with the clients who've gone quiet. Go through your past clients and pull out the ones you haven't been in touch with for a year or more. The study found the underestimation was larger between more socially distant people and in more surprising contexts, and a message from an agent they haven't heard from in a long time fits both. These are the people you're most likely to skip and, on this evidence, the ones whose reaction you're most likely to underrate.
Keep it brief and leave out the ask. The reach-outs the authors studied were simple: a short message checking in on how someone is doing. A few lines asking how they're settling into the house, or mentioning something you remember about them, is enough. I'd keep requests for referrals or market updates out of this particular message, because a request changes what the client is responding to, and the study looked at check-ins. The same choice between building and asking comes up when you re-engage cold leads.
Use something you know about them. This one is my own suggestion: a note that mentions the renovation they were planning or how their kids took to the new school tells them you were actually thinking of them. That matches the spirit of what the authors describe, people showing others they have them in mind.
Consider a small gift for a few people. Small gifts are one of the forms of reaching out the authors name. For a handful of past clients you know well, something modest with a short handwritten note is a reasonable option. Check your local rules on gifts before you send anything.
Don't wait for the perfect moment. If you have a message drafted and you're second-guessing it, that hesitation is the underestimation the study describes. My own extension of the surprise finding is that a check-in on an ordinary Tuesday may land better than one tucked into a busy holiday week, since it's less expected.
Steady contact is easier when someone tracks who's gone quiet
My view is that the hard part of this practice is keeping track of who has drifted, across hundreds of past clients, while working live deals. That's the job of a follow-up system for past clients. Worthington keeps detailed records on each contact, including durable facts like a birthday or a partner's name, and he keeps agents top of mind with past clients month over month. He knows when to follow up and when to say nothing at all, and he drafts messages in your own voice for you to review and send.
This research gives you a reason to trust the quiet note more than you probably do. You'll likely feel it's less welcome than it is, and the client on the other end, who wasn't expecting to hear from you, will probably be glad you wrote.
Frequently asked questions
Does this study show that checking in with past clients leads to more referrals?
No. Liu and colleagues measured how much people appreciate being reached out to and how well senders predict that appreciation. Linking that appreciation to repeat business or referrals is my own reading, so treat it as a reasonable bet and not a proven result.
Why would a past client appreciate a check-in more than I expect?
The authors found evidence consistent with one explanation: the person receiving the message focuses more on their feelings of surprise at being contacted, and that surprise predicts greater appreciation. You know the message is coming, so you don't feel that surprise yourself and are likely to underrate it.
Which past clients should I check in with first?
The study found the underestimation was larger between more socially distant people and when the reach-out was more surprising for the recipient. In practice, I'd start with past clients you haven't spoken to in a year or more, since they're the ones you're most likely to skip.
Should I include a market update or a referral request in the check-in?
I'd keep the first message to a simple check-in. The reach-outs in the study were brief messages asking how someone was doing or small gifts, so a note that leads with a request is a different kind of message from the one the research looked at.
Worthington draws on research like this to shape a nurturing strategy for each of your clients. Join the waitlist